Feedback, Poetry

American Sentence

allen-ginsberg-poet-america-how-can-i-write-a-holy-litany-in-your

Beat poet Allen Ginsburg proposed a 17-syllable poem without line length requirements as a more appropriate version of the haiku for English writers. I decided to try my hand at these in response to a prompt, creating a poem comprised of several American sentences, along with a play on words for the title. In light of current events, the sharing is timely.

Your feedback is welcome, as this is a very different type of piece for me to write. Much of my work focuses on personal interactions between humans, with more artistic language and thematic layers. “American Sentence” is stark and straightforward. What do you think?

___

American Sentence

You are blessed here
whether you know it or not:
American health care.

Poverty an opportunity
to overcome
the devil’s curse,

our health care
innovative and complex.
It can’t be for everyone.

Think of the studies.
The new and expensive drugs.
You should be grateful.

Barriers to care:
a made-up controversy.
The ER says yes.

Bankruptcy the worst case.
A payment plan will fix this.
Think of your pride.

Relationship status:
It’s complicated.
Think of others for once.

You are blessed here
whether you know it or not,
and you should be grateful.

___

Copyright 2017 Mindy Goorchenko All rights reserved

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Editing, Feedback, Fiction, Self-Medicating, WIPpets

“It won’t feel good, but it’ll make you grow.”

help

My good friend ReGi McClain graciously took the time to read my first story, a take on “Frog Prince,” and responded with the following email, complete with a “shredded” draft that I have almost gotten drunk enough to read (LOL, kidding…). Still. YIKES! Here’s what she wrote:

Hi!

So what I did was what my beta buddies and I refer to as shredding. It won’t feel good, but it’ll make you grow.

This story has tons of potential and the chance to convey an empowering message in a fun way, and therein lies the greatest strength.

What’s not working so well is the amount of information you’re trying to put into the space you have. In a short story, tangents are not allowed. Every sentence has to move the action forward or explain why it’s moving the direction it is. About a quarter of this draft is background we don’t need, but we’re missing pieces we do.

So here’s what you do. Read my feedback, give yourself a week or so to hate my guts, get over it, then come back, read it again, and see what you can do about incorporating the advice you think is worthwhile and ignore the rest. Way the by, you could make it twice as long, if you wanted to.

Whatever you do, don’t give up or let yourself be discouraged for more than a day or two. Every time you write, you’ll get a little better. 😊

Love you! For reals! Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. 😉
~ReGi

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